Supporting your trans child at school: the questions to ask
The questions every parent of a trans child should ask, and the answers to look for
If your child is trans or questioning their gender, their school’s approach will shape their daily experience. Will they be respected? Will they be safe? Will they be included, or quietly pushed to the margins?
Many schools now have a policy on trans pupils. But policies vary enormously, and the language can be vague or hard to interpret. Some schools are supportive. Others follow restrictive government interim guidance to the letter. Many fall somewhere in between, making decisions “case by case” without telling you what that actually means.
This checklist is designed to help you cut through the jargon. These are the questions that matter, and the answers you should look for.
Privacy and confidentiality
Will the school tell other parents that my child is trans?
Look for clear statements that your child’s trans status is confidential and won’t be shared with other families. Be wary of vague wording about informing the “school community” if your child socially transitions. This could mean other parents find out without your control.
Will the school tell other students?
Same principle. Your child should be able to decide who knows and when. If the school says it will communicate changes to staff and pupils, ask exactly what that means and whether you and your child have input.
Who within the school will know?
Some staff will need to know for safeguarding or practical reasons. But it should be limited and purposeful, not gossip in the staffroom. Ask who has access to this information and why.
How is information about my child stored?
Your child’s trans status is sensitive personal data. Ask how it’s recorded, where it’s kept, and who can see it.
What if my child is out at school but not at home, or vice versa?
This is where policies often get complicated. Some schools now say they will inform parents if a child requests social transition, unless there are safeguarding concerns. Ask what “safeguarding concerns” means in practice, and who decides.
Names and pronouns
Will my child’s affirmed name be used at school?
Many schools will accommodate a preferred name for day-to-day use. But ask whether it will appear on registers, report cards, library cards, email addresses, and internal systems, or only their legal name.
Will staff use my child’s correct pronouns?
This is where many policies are restrictive. Some schools say pronouns are decided “case by case” or that primary-age children are unlikely to have different pronouns. Ask what the criteria are, who decides, and how long the process takes.
What happens if a member of staff refuses?
Some policies say staff cannot be “compelled” to use different pronouns. Others say mistakes will be treated with understanding. Ask what happens if a staff member consistently refuses. Is that acceptable to the school?
What about external exams?
Exam boards have their own rules. Ask whether your child can be entered under their affirmed name, and what the school will do to facilitate this.
What name will appear on references and records when my child leaves?
This matters for the future. Ask whether your child’s affirmed name can be used on references for sixth form, college, university, or employers.
Toilets and changing rooms
Will my child be allowed to use the toilets that match their affirmed gender?
Some schools now explicitly prohibit this, following draft government guidance. They may offer a single-occupancy alternative instead. Ask whether this exists, where it is, and whether using it will effectively out your child.
Will my child be allowed to use the changing rooms that match their affirmed gender?
The same restrictions usually apply here. Ask what alternatives are offered and whether they’re dignified, private, and convenient, or an afterthought.
Will using alternative facilities single my child out?
A single-occupancy toilet in the medical room on the other side of the building isn’t a real solution. Ask where the facilities are, whether your child will need to explain why they’re using them, and whether other students use them too.
Sports and PE
Will my child be able to participate in PE with students of their affirmed gender?
Many policies restrict this, particularly for contact sports and particularly after puberty. Ask which sports are affected and what the school’s reasoning is.
Will my child be able to join sports teams that match their affirmed gender?
Competitive sport is often more restricted than PE lessons. Ask about specific sports your child is interested in.
What if my child can’t participate with their affirmed gender?
Ask what alternatives are offered. Will they be forced to participate with their birth sex? Can they opt out? Will this affect their PE grade or school reports?
Does the school follow guidance from sports governing bodies?
Some sports have their own rules on trans participation. Ask whether the school applies these and how.
Uniform
Can my child wear the uniform that matches their affirmed gender?
Some schools allow this readily. Others require a formal process or say it will be considered “case by case.” Ask what the process is and how long it takes.
Does the school have a gender-neutral uniform option?
Some schools have moved to a single uniform for all pupils. This sidesteps the issue entirely. Ask whether this is available.
Bullying and safety
Is my child explicitly protected against transphobic bullying?
Look for policies that specifically mention gender identity, not just generic anti-bullying statements. Ask how transphobic bullying is defined.
How does the school respond to transphobic incidents?
Ask about the process for reporting, investigating, and resolving incidents. What sanctions are used? How is your child supported?
Does the school record and monitor transphobic bullying?
Schools should track incidents to identify patterns. Ask whether this data is collected and reviewed.
What proactive steps does the school take?
Responding to bullying after it happens isn’t enough. Ask what the school does to prevent it, through education, culture, staff training, and visible inclusion.
Is there a staff member my child can go to?
Ask whether there’s a designated person responsible for supporting trans pupils, or whether staff have received training on trans inclusion.
School trips and overnight stays
How will sleeping arrangements be handled?
Most policies say children must share with their birth sex, or be given a separate room. Ask what the options are and whether your child will be singled out.
How will toilets and washing facilities be managed on trips?
Ask what’s available at the venue and how the school will ensure your child can use facilities safely and privately.
Will external providers be told about my child’s trans status?
Activity centres, hotels, and other providers may be informed. Ask whether this happens, whether you’ll be consulted, and how your child’s privacy will be protected.
Curriculum and classroom
Is trans identity included in the curriculum?
Look for inclusion in PSHE, RSE, or elsewhere. Ask whether this is factual and respectful, or whether trans identities are presented as “contested.”
How does the school handle transphobic views in class?
Students or staff may express negative views about trans people. Ask how the school responds and whether your child will be expected to defend their own existence in classroom discussions.
Records and administration
What name and sex will appear on official school records?
Schools are legally required to record a pupil’s legal name and sex. But ask whether your child’s affirmed name can be used elsewhere in school systems.
What about when my child leaves?
Ask what name will appear on references, exam certificates, and any records passed to future schools, colleges, or employers.
Decision-making and process
What happens when a child comes out or requests support?
Ask the school to walk you through their process. Who is involved? How long does it take? What factors do they consider?
Will my child’s wishes be central to decisions?
Some policies emphasise listening to the child. Others focus on parental consent and professional caution. Ask how your child’s voice is weighted.
Does the school use “watchful waiting”?
This phrase appears in government guidance and many school policies. Ask what it means in practice. How long does it last, what are they waiting for, and what happens during that period?
Does the school require a diagnosis or external referral?
Some schools won’t act without input from CAMHS or a gender clinic. Given current waiting times, this could mean years of delay. Ask whether the school can support your child without external sign-off.
What if the school says no?
Ask whether there’s an appeals process, and what happens if you disagree with a decision.
Policy and legal standing
Does the school have a written policy on trans pupils?
Ask for a copy. If they don’t have one, ask how decisions are made.
What guidance does the policy follow?
Many schools reference the draft government guidance from December 2023, which has not yet been finalised. Ask whether the school is aware of this and whether the policy will be reviewed when final guidance is published.
When was the policy last reviewed?
Policies written several years ago may be out of date. Ask when the next review is scheduled.
Has the school taken legal advice?
Schools have duties under the Equality Act to avoid discrimination on grounds of both sex and gender reassignment. These can be in tension. Ask how the school balances them and whether they’ve sought legal advice.
What excellent looks like
Your child is welcomed and affirmed without question
Affirmed name and pronouns used immediately and consistently by all staff
Full access to toilets, changing rooms, and facilities matching your child’s affirmed gender
Full participation in sports teams matching your child’s affirmed gender
Uniform of your child’s choice without needing to request an exception
Sleeping arrangements on trips match your child’s affirmed gender
Trans identities included positively in the curriculum, not as “contested”
Visible LGBTQ+ inclusion across school culture, not just policy
Staff trained and confident in supporting trans pupils
Your child’s voice is central to all decisions, with support to express their needs
No “watchful waiting” or delays: support begins when your child asks for it
Other parents are never informed of your child’s trans status
Language is respectful and current: “trans pupils” rather than clinical or outdated terms
What good looks like
Clear confidentiality protections
Affirmed names used across school systems
Pronouns respected without excessive barriers
Alternatives to gendered facilities that are dignified and don’t out your child
Explicit anti-bullying protection mentioning gender identity
Staff training on trans inclusion
A named person responsible for supporting trans pupils
Your child’s voice genuinely considered in decisions
Flexibility rather than blanket restrictions
Language that recognises your child for who they are
Red flags
Repeated emphasis on “biological sex” with no acknowledgement of gender identity
Blanket bans on bathroom or changing room access
Blanket bans on sports participation
“Watchful waiting” with no clarity on what that means or how long it lasts
Parental consent required with no consideration of the child’s own wishes
No mention of bullying protection related to gender identity
Policy described as “under review” indefinitely
Language that frames trans identities as “contested” or a “belief”
Clinical or dehumanising language: “gender reassignment”, “transgender pupil”, “the transgender”, “transgendered”
Avoidance of the word “trans” entirely, replaced with “gender questioning” throughout
No named staff member or clear process for support
External diagnosis or referral required before any support is given
Use this list
Print it out this post (cmd-P or ctrl-P). Take it to meetings. Email it to the school and ask for written answers. You have the right to know how your child will be treated.
If a school can’t or won’t answer these questions clearly, that tells you something.
School policy reviews
I’m reviewing individual school policies against this checklist and publishing the results. If you’d like me to review your child’s school, send me their policy.