What This Father Said About Supporting His Transgender Son Will Stay With Me Forever
A viral video shows what good parenting of a trans child really looks like, and why family support is literally lifesaving
Someone sent me a video that made my heart sing.
It was a trans man cutting his father’s hair, asking him what he had noticed about his journey from before transitioning to after. The father’s response contained everything I wish every parent of a trans person could hear.
This father talked about watching his child throw tantrums when they put him in a dress at the age of two or three. He remembered negotiating before a wedding when his child was six, saying “you have to look sharp, you don’t have to be in a dress.” His son turned up in black trousers, white shirt and a tie, looking like a little executive.
But do you know what, back then, they did not have the language of trans. They knew about gay and lesbian, and they thought at some point their child would probably come out as that. So they kept things open and they supported him, even though they did not understand what was fully happening.
That is what so many good parents do. They watch, they wonder, they support, even when they do not have all the answers. Because we are not taught it, we don’t know what to do.
From baseline to happiness
The father described how his son had been “somewhere between borderline and depressed for a long, long time.” Functional, yes. He had a job and an apartment, he was doing the things you do to have a life. “But I wouldn’t say there was a lot of happiness.”
Then came transition and with it came change.
The father said: “In recent years, I would say more days than not, you’re happy, you’re comfortable, you’re confident. Your confidence has gone through the roof.”
The son’s response, I love!! “Now I’m like, the happiest I’ve ever been.”
Can you imagine that? The happiest he has ever been.
That is what transition and living as yourself can do if you are trans. The clouds lift, the sun comes out, and the constant hum of wrongness that they have carried their whole life finally goes quiet.
Trusting the process
Do you know what my favourite moment was in this whole conversation?
It was when the father said: “I just had to trust your process.”
He admitted it was hard because he could not give direct answers. He did not know what to do. He could not say “do this” or “don’t do that.” His son was way ahead of him on the whole thing.
I have heard this time and time and time again from parents.
Note to parents, that is okay. Do you know what that is? That is just what good parenting looks like. Not necessarily having all the answers, but being willing to learn. Not understanding everything, but trusting your child enough to walk alongside them anyway.
Life changing and lifesaving
Then the son said something that I hear from trans people and their families all the time.
He said: “It’s literally life changing and lifesaving to have support from my family.”
Lifesaving.
Think about that. Having parents who say “okay, I don’t fully get it, I don’t understand, but I love you and I’m here” can be the complete difference between a young person making it through and not. The difference between existing and truly living.
The father’s response was beautiful: “It’s a privilege for me and an honour and a delight. I mean, you’re the best.”
A message to parents
If you are a parent watching this and wondering what to do, wondering whether to trust your child, I hope this gives you some comfort.
I will tell you what I have learned: the parents who support, who stay, who learn alongside their children, they get to watch something beautiful unfold. They get to see their child go from struggling to thriving. They get to hear things like “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”
What more could any parent ever want?
Original video:
If this resonates with you, I would love to hear your thoughts.
Drop me a comment below. Are you a parent on this journey? Are you trans yourself? What has family support, or the lack of it, meant in your life?
If you have a story that you would like me to share, please send it my way.
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