The best way to support a trans child is to listen to them, believe them, and learn alongside them. Your child will tell you what being trans is like for them, and you know them better than anyone. Then work out how to protect their place in school, friendships and healthcare.
Why is it so hard when your child comes out as trans?
Normally, when something goes wrong for your child, you are the one who is supposed to know what to do. A bad knee, a missed homework, someone being unkind, a broken leg, even a child coming out as gay: you look after them, you love them, you believe them, and you make sure everyone is nice to them. With a trans child it often doesn't work like that. Very often the child has done far more digging than the parent has, so you end up with a child who knows more than you do. That is the wrong way round, it is not how parenting usually goes, and it puts you at a disadvantage.
Underneath it is the thing every parent wants: for their child to be happy, loved and treated well. We are terrified of our children being discriminated against, whether for being gay, being Black, being disabled, having a disfigurement or a medical condition. And at the moment trans people are being targeted from many directions, including by people who are supposed to protect us. Politicians are writing policies against trans people. Parents who go to a doctor for help are turned away. Parents who trust judges and lawyers to uphold the law find that doesn't hold either.
So a lot of parents think, "Anything else, please, but not this." When their child says "I'm trans", the instinct is "please, not right now, I don't know how to do this, nobody ever taught me." That reaction is human, and it is common. But your child is trans, and that doesn't go away because the timing is bad or the world is difficult.
What should you do first?
Listen to your child. Your child will tell you exactly what it is like for them to be trans, and you know them better than any expert, any politician or any commentator does. Believe them. Then, once you have listened, the question changes from "how do I stop this?" to "how do I help this child, this one right here, have the best life possible?"
That means thinking about friendships, school, toilets and changing rooms, education, and later on work and relationships. How do they find a good group of friends? How do you protect them from bullies? How do you make sure the school gets its policies right? It may take some hard work, but plenty of people have been through it and are willing to share what they learned.
Something else I'd add: some of the most beautiful children I have met are trans children. They are an absolute joy. Many have lived as a girl or a boy, and then as a boy or a girl, or neither, or both, and that is an enriching experience we have a lot to learn from. They ask for very little: please accept me, love me and help me.
Who should you believe when the information contradicts itself?
You will be told that puberty blockers are safe and that they are not. That a particular changing room is fine and that it is dangerous. That you are pushing your child to be trans, and that you can't push anyone to be trans. It is exhausting, and it is hard to know who to trust.
My advice is to go with people who have been through it. The real experts are people with lived experience: parents who have raised a trans child, people who have educated and supported trans children, people who have worked with many of them. Their knowledge comes from the thing itself.
Then listen closely to the words being used, because language tells you a great deal. If you are choosing a psychologist, do they say "I help trans children live their best lives", or "I work with gender-questioning children to work through the challenges of gender identity"? Those are very different statements. The same goes for a school policy, a website or a person giving you advice. Where are they getting their information from? Do they accept that trans children exist, or is there a layer of caution wrapped around everything? Trans children exist, and every trans adult was once a trans child. The only real question is how best to help them.
Will your child grow out of it?
No trans child grows out of being trans. Plenty of young children want to play with trucks, or dolls, or climb trees, or dress up for a while, and that is a different thing entirely: they were never trans, they just liked playing with trucks for a bit. There is a big gap between "I want to wear a dress" and "I am a girl, stop treating me as if I were a boy". The language is different because the thing is different. When a child says who they are, rather than what they want to wear or play with, that is the child telling you something about themselves.
How do you protect your child at school?
Start with the law, if you are in the UK. The Equality Act 2010 protects people from discrimination because of gender reassignment, and that includes your child. They should not be treated any differently because they are trans. What families often need is some help to enforce that and make it known. If you live elsewhere, laws vary a great deal, so find out what your own country and region provide before you go into a meeting.
Then look at the school's policies. Does it have one covering changing rooms, bathrooms and school trips? If not, ask for one, and make sure it includes your child. You don't have to write it from scratch: people have already produced template policies, and parents who have been through this are often willing to share what worked for them. Read the policy for the same things you would read anywhere else: the language, the assumptions, and whether it starts from the belief that trans children exist.
What about medical care and puberty blockers?
Parents tell me this is where the system feels most hostile. Puberty blockers are medications that pause puberty, and they have been used for decades, including for children who start puberty too early. In the UK, the sale and supply of puberty blockers on private prescription to trans young people has been banned, and other countries have followed. Public prescriptions are almost impossible to get, because of the lack of services and expertise. The cost falls on trans young people and their families: puberty does not pause while a family waits, and every month of an unwanted puberty is a permanent change your child did not choose.
A young person who understands their treatment can consent to it, as in any other area of medicine, and a supportive parent makes the road easier. If you want to explore the medical side, GenderGP can help with access to affirming medical care, including what is and is not available where you live.
What about being blamed?
Many parents find themselves asked whether it was their parenting, their divorce, an illness, or whether they are somehow abusing their child. Imagine trying to do the best for your child, advocating for them, and being told you are making them trans, hurting them, or worse. All you have is a child you want to love, protect and give the best start in life. Being trans is not caused by a parent's mistake, and advocating for your child is parenting, full stop.
It is a difficult time, but we will get there, because the truth always wins. Trans people exist, they always have, and you can't make that go away. What you can do is make sure your child gets the best opportunities in life, and that is a job worth doing. If you want to talk any of it through, or practise what you would say to a school or a relative, Sammy is here for that.
If there is a topic that you would like me to cover, just let Sammy know.
Dr Helen Webberley
Comments